It's been three days since I returned to default world. Although it feels like an eternity.
But I am now ready, or as much as I may be, to put some sense into what I learned.
The soundtrack is The Family Dog. Their dome, Psychedelephant, where I first realized I was there. I had arrived. The place I had always been longing for without even knowing if it actually existed. A wondrous melting pot of love, S/M, mindfulness, nerd-talk, metaphysics, cooperation, responsibility, and sustainability. With just the right amount of irony about it all. And absolutely no commerce, advertisement or trade (except for Übertown's aggressive counterargument).
I fit right in.
No need for adjustment.
As soon as I saw the bright-blue morning sky the first day, I was overjoyed and wished I could make that second last an eternity.
The events of Saturday night probably carried a different lesson for each of us. To me, it's a take-home teaching about how much an attempt can change the course of events (or how little). As a serial self-harmer / suicidal I can't help but find it amazing that this is what I would experience during my first burn. Most interesting is how little I felt. My concern at the time was that we could not see the lighthouse go down in flames.
The intense exploration of my body (nakedness, S/M, 5-minute orgasms) paled in comparison to the emotional discoveries I made.
It is easy to trust others when they welcome you with open hearts.
Beautiful and kind people can help you turn pain into joy. All that is required is some improv and leaving all shame behind. Play, play play. Always.
Intimacy is best shared with those who will care and be responsible for the vulnerabilities it creates. It is amazing to let go of fears and fall in love, even if just for a week, when the desire is mutual. The brevity of an encounter should not dictate how deeply I let myself connect. Love, love for one second, one minute, one day.
Yet I still have some possessiveness, insecurity, and fear to learn from. The pangs of jealousy and envy arise from time to time whenever a loved one pays attention to someone else while I am not otherwise entertained. I have, however, found about the immense calming power of caring for that third person. So soon as I approached them as a sensing being, and showed them affection, the envy subsided.
I have both taken delight and found it a burden to collaborate so intently with a community whose survival depended on all of us doing our part. I (re)discovered I was much more pleased while performing the human-related tasks than the material ones. For example, trip-sitting was more satisfying than kitchen duty.
I was valued.
I was constantly reassured of my inner and outer beauty. This was important. After my recent experience with rejection due to the choice to let my body hair grow, I basked in the physical attraction I garnered at such an inclusive environment.
Moreover, confirming that my thoughts and feelings can be useful to others provided a cleanse from all the abuse back at the jungle. It's not me, it's the system -kind of thing.
I gave back.
For all I took with me, written above these lines, I gave. Many people, hopefully most of those whose paths I crossed, are taking home a piece of me. Of my love, my light.
Thank you to all the nobodies who made it possible.
May the love multiply.
Let it burn.
